A year in the life of One Girl...

This has really got to stop...this writing once a year...with the plethora of fascinating things happening in this house of men...I'm wasting quality writing opportunities.

In my defense, I started working outside the home last February, adding another ball to the 5,372,894 already looming over my head, and I was lucky to find time to floss my teeth, much less sit and write. (Okay, I never really try to find time to floss, but I think the dentist bought it.)

It was an interesting year, trying to fit it all in, and while I wish there were things I had done better, (I'm sure Little Boy and Baby Boy probably wore their underpants for two days in a row a couple of times), no one seems the worse for wear. 

Could there have been more green vegetables offered (note: "offered", not "eaten")?   Probably.

Was my house dusty enough on occasion to be designated as part of the National Parks Division of Deserts (Is there one of those? It sounds good, anyway...)?   Most assuredly.

Did all the men's cell phones get cut off twice because I forgot to pay the bill?  Unfortunately.

But did we all survive it?  Indeed.


Lots of big happenings here this year for the men...I will try my best to keep up-to-date...Oldest Boy continues in college and work endeavors, while dating a girl I WANT as a daughter.  Middle Boy is graduating from high school and possibly going to the Naval Academy (!). Little Boy continues to excel in music and is growing in leaps & bounds....and then there is Baby Boy...

The Blue-Eyed Wonder never allows a dull day in the Men Household. He is the happiest person on the planet, I think, and keeps us all (his 1st grade teacher included) on our toes.

Thank you for checking in, sorry to have been gone for so long. I promise I won't be a stranger.

Family Fitness Day! I'm so (not) excited!

Today is "Family Fitness Day" at Littleboy and Babyboy's school. I'm over the moon with excitement...really...can't you just feel it?

Don't get me wrong, I am all for encouraging these kids to move around, and alot of parents need to do some moving too, but honestly, do we all have to do it in front of one another? The three-legged race? I don't have appropriate, "work out in front of everyone" clothes for that. Not to mention the fact that I am, by far, one of the least-graceful humans on the planet.

Will I humiliate my sons if I do a lousy job? Will the kindergartners snicker behind my back when I go in to help them paint penguins on Thursday?

Please understand, I work out. Alot. In a gym that 1.) is women only, and 2.) is very supportive of women and all different body types, etc. Not alot of judging going on there, no one cares if you gained 10 pounds in the last 3 months (thanks, crappy thyroid), you have old sweatpants on or if you turn bright red in the face every time you work out. They know me there, they accept me, my ugly sweatpants and my red face. This is a totally different thing.

I always try to look presentable when I go to the school, cute t-shirt with the school motto on it, cute shoes that the little kindergarten girls and I giggle about when I go in...I can't look presentable if I'm wearing worn-out sweats, am extremely red-faced, and performing in a very non-graceful, non-cute sort of way.

One day my sons will look back on days like this and either a.) think their mom is a great sport who showed up at all sorts of school activities or b.) think their mom is a great sport who really should have invested in better workout attire...

Oh and hey! I just remembered, they are bringing in a photographer too...I think I just pulled a hamstring...

Sea Monkeys...a purchase you might regret...

Alright, so color me "unprepared" or better yet, color me "bad at doing research before I purchase Christmas gifts for my children that are going to end up being gross and/or a pain in my butt".

Littleboy asked for Sea Monkeys for Christmas.You've seen them, they've been around since I was young. (I could never understand why my mom wouldn't buy them...now I know.)  They come in a cute little package at toy stores, just look at how cute:

Little tiny tank, little feeding spoon. How adorable, how bad can they be? Right? Wrong.

Allow me to show you a couple more pictures...if you haven't eaten breakfast yet, let me just apologize now.

Sea Monkeys are actually brine shrimp...or some such thing. (Of course NOW I do my research on them. After Littleboy and Babyboy have their tanks thriving on the bathroom counter.)  Still, not too bad, right? Kind of cute and minuscule, no big deal.

But then there's this:

This is what you end up with, apparently. These suckers are breeding, and grow to 3/4 of an inch long.

I think I might just have to vomit. It looks like a tank full of swimming fleas, or bugs, omg, what have I done?

I work extremely hard to maintain tight border security between myself and the flora and fauna that live outside. And I've just shot myself in the foot.

These guys are going to come to some unfortunate demise before we get to this point. I'm going to start planning the assassinations now.  Maybe the "cat" will knock over the tanks while they are at school.  That might work, they'll still love HIM if he kills the seamonkey-shrimp-bugs...

I'm really needing a personal assistant...not "sorta" needing, not "wow, it would be nice to have one" needing...but really, truly, desperately needing a personal assistant.

Keeping track of one business, one household, one husband, four children and one pet (two, if you count the goldfish we are fish-sitting...he needs to eat, doesn't he??)  is pushing the limits of my brain memory storage.  Hubby will ask me things like "Do you remember that plan that we did, that we needed the signature on, back in September? What did we do with it?"  I do not know. The amazing thing is...he DOES know. He can remember things he did 4.7 years ago, who he spoke to, and what they said.  I can't do it.

How does a woman that God blessed with such a miserable memory get handed so much to do and remember? I've got to send in brownies for the teachers on Wednesday this week, get everything done this weekend so I can mail out 1099's to people we worked with last year, call the dentist to set up appointments for two of the four boys, and check on a Jeep we own that apparently prefers life at the repair shop to the comforts of our cozy garage. Not to mention, we have no juice in the fridge, are out of ibuprofen and canned cat food (he prefers to have both, wet and dry food, excuse YOU) and I think the dishwasher needs soap...

I need someone to stand behind me in the morning, with a clipboard and a calendar and say "Here are your lists of things you need to do today, Onegirl."  and then make sure I get it all done.

Instead I have this:

...and yes, you guessed it, one of those post-it notes says "BROWNIES WEDNESDAY!!".

Smart boys and their reasonably intelligent mother...

The other night I recorded a debate between Oldest Boy and Middle Boy. It was an impromptu debate...standing at the island in my kitchen...on something to do with Calculus.

I say "something", because I have no idea what they were talking about.  I mean no idea.  They might as well be debating in Japanese...oh wait...they both speak Japanese...and I don't.

Everyone knows that teenagers always ASSUME they are smarter than their parents, but what happens when they really are? Do you acknowledge their mathematical prowess, or just nod  your head and say "Sounds about right to me" when they ask you a question from their Physics class.

Of course, I'm glad that God gave these kids some decent brain power...they will end up supporting us I'm sure, (just looked at the 401k, yipes!)...I'm very grateful for that.

But when do I cave and tell them "You've got me on that one, kid."  and more importantly...

Why doesn't "smart" = "the ability to see dirty clothes laying all over a bedroom floor" ?

Are the comments still "snarky" if you only say them in your head?

Okay, I'm not talking about being "snarky" to anyone in particular. (You DO know what "snarky" is, right? Comments that you KNOW you are only saying to make yourself feel better...that really fall under the "If you don't have something nice to say...don't say anything" category.)

My biggest "snark" is regarding girls and their weight...or lack thereof.  Now, mind you, I honestly only say this is my head...but I've been catching myself doing it alot lately.  I know I shouldn't, but my mind goes right there...

Victoria's Secret girls...the girls at my gym...any of these girls around with no stretch marks...I always say to myself...

"Yeah, let me see them after they have had four kids!"

Is that bad that I do that? Am I only justifying the continual 10 pounds I struggle with ALL THE TIME? Should I be happy for them, that they are fortunate enough NOT to have stretch marks from here to there? I don't know...I've just never been one of those girls who wears her stretch marks proudly...I'm glad for you if you can do that...I WISH I could do that...but I just can't.

So, in light of the Christmas season, and everything that means to me...and looking at the bigger picture of my life and how many blessings I have to be thankful for...I'm going to refrain from saying that phrase in my head (at least until January..baby steps, you know, like running a marathon). 

Everytime I want to compare myself and my body to some other girl's...I'm going to remember my blue-eyed boy, and my other three too...

...and try not to think about the egg nog I indulged in yesterday.

Oldest Boy and his quest for two quarters...

Oldest Boy works as a life guard for one of the large theme parks near our home.  He loves his job, loves it...but sometimes comes home with stories that would curl your hair. Thank God he has never had to save a drowning child, but some of the things he says do involve blood (ugh) or bathing suits toooo small to be worn in public (ewww).

Last night he told me about something that happened between a disabled teenager at the park and himself. It was C-O-L-D yesterday, and yet there were people going down the water slides, etc. (Well, I guess it's cold to us...not necessarily to people from say, Greenland.)  OB had on long pants over his swim trunks and a long jacket with a hood...just counting the minutes until they close, so he can get inside in the heat.

A boy that he knows from high school (this child attended classes at the school for kids with disabilites, but they knew each other from around school) was there with his mom. This boy came up to my boy and said "I dropped something on the slide and I can't get it!"  So, OB is thinking "Omg, I am freezing."...while at the same time, taking off the jacket and pants and getting into the water for this other child to retrieve for him...

...two dropped quarters.

OB was shivering and feeling hypothermia setting in as the other boy says "Thank you" and goes to find his mom.

THIS is exactly what I want from my sons. THIS.  I am a huge proponent of "Think outside yourself."  I am forever drilling into their craniums that the world is a big place and there are a lot of people in it who are in need.  I'm so, so blessed to have children to whom God gave big hearts.. So grateful. So very grateful.

I'll remember this for the rest of my life (although I'm sure OB will forget)...in the meantime...

Here baby, let Momma make you a hot chocolate.

You know it's bad when...

someone has to ask you "Hey! Do you do that blog anymore?"

Yes, well, I still consider myself owner of that blog...does that count?

This might as well be me.  Truly...throw four kids and a hubby in there, a laundry basket, (and don't forget to put the fattest cat in the universe under the desk)...and that's me.  Although, she may have less gray hair than I...

I'm aware that everyone has stuff they have to do...women work outside the home and manage their households all at the same time. My mother (aka "Captain Amazing") held down more than one job, raised kids by herself...and somehow managed to wear clean underwear every single day.  My mother-in-law (aka "Mother Invincible") was able to raise 8 KIDS, help with 1 million grandkids, and serve home cooked meals every night THAT ACTUALLY INCLUDED 4 FOOD GROUPS.

I know that I'm not the first or the last girl on this planet to juggle 15 full-time endeavors at once. I know this, and yet I'm still amazed at my friends who seem to pull it off so effortlessly.  I'm drowning, man, and I show it.

Today's to-do list involves more work with our insurance company (self-employment surely has some downsides), and the amazing stack of medical bills I'm staring at...a trip to the elementary school to work on the teacher's Christmas present, grocery shopping, a run to the office supply store, and an attempt at doing some laundry.

Will there be 5 servings of vegetables involved today? Yes, I sure hope so.

..but will there be clean underwear...

Florida bears and what not to say to your kindergarten teacher.

Baby boy saw this sign yesterday while we were driving through a very rural part of Florida.  It had a small sign underneath it that said "11 mi."

  He was so excited..."Mom, mom!...That sign says for the next 11 minutes there's polar bears!"

I thought it was the cutest thing.

Almost made me forget that he told his kindergarten teacher this week:
   "You are just trying to intimidate me."

Tupperware cabinets and algebra class.

Every night I go to bed and think "Stink! Another day, no blog post." I have all these great ideas and stories to tell of my life in this zoo, but my days are so freaking hectic lately...hectic in a "Did I take a shower today?" kind of way.

I'm room mom for my kindergartner's class, taxi driver for 2 little kids, laundress for 6 single-outfit-wearing impaired humans and chef to the pickiest eaters under the age of 9 you've ever seen. (Laundress...that almost sounds regal, doesn't it...kind of like "Countess" but with bleach spots on her pants.)

As I was cleaning my kitchen yesterday, I went to put away my Tupperware stuff. I have an entire cabinet devoted to these vessels, and try to keep my lids all in one place, while stacking the other pieces so everything fits.  Now, I have to ask myself...."Am I truly being helped by having my boys unload the dishwasher every day, or am I just deluding myself?"

I submit evidence "A" :

Get out your calculators, and think way back to algebra class, kids.  If it takes me 45 minutes to re-organize everything in this cabinet, how many dishwasher "unloads" at 5 minutes each am I costing myself?  Is it actually helping me, if it causes me MORE work down the line?

When you figure out the answer to that question, here's one more for you...

How many snack size Almond Joy bars will it take for me to not care about the Tupperware cabinet, and just shove it all in there and walk away?

Chicago: a lesson in culture and diet abandonment

A few more pictures from Chicago...did I say it's my favorite place to go? I did say that I adore it, right?
 I... do... adore... it. 

The Lincoln Park Zoo is always on the top of our "to-do" list when we go to Chicago. It's free, which is fantastic, (well, free to those of us that don't pay the ridiculous amount of taxes they have to pay up there) and for a family with this many kids, we seriously need some free activities. The boys love the lion house, the lions aren't separated from the humans by glass enclosures, but rather, iron (steel?) bars, so that when they roar, or even yawn, you can hear them. 

There is an outside area to the lion house, and THAT does have glass partitions thankfully, because here's what we saw that day:

Yeah, that's her face, right next to my kids' faces.  Yipes.

We also love to go to the beach. It's a beach unlike those here in Florida...nothing there wants to eat you, except for the occasional aggressive seagull (I think they might eat you, if given the opportunity). The water is FREEZING, but that's never stopped my kids from getting in it. It has stopped me every time, however...I'm not looking to have a heart attack there on the pristine shores of Lake Michigan.  Here's my little darlings, leaping wildly over the crashing waves:

 Okay, so I took a small amount of liberties with that description...

Now, don't think that this is, by any stretch of the imagination, the only things we do up there, there's a million things to do...but if I may, let's get right to the "food" portion of our virtual tour, shall we?

The food in Chicago is amazing. It is delicious, for the most part culturally authentic, and almost always inexpensive.  (Except for the deep dish pizza, it's pricey, I'm not sure why that is.)  I love to eat a hot dog with 11 items on top, or Indian food from a buffet on Belmont Avenue. There are so many places to choose from, well, lets just say I came back 5 pounds heavier. No lie...just ask my pants.

We ate at a high priced fancy hotel downtown one night, just me and my mom. My brother "J" runs the kitchen there, yep: Head Chef extraordinaire.  You cannot imagine the thrill of sitting down to a beautiful table, in a gorgeous hotel and saying to your chef-brother..."Hit me". 

He had two questions before we got started: 

1.  "Are you hungry?" (Cue very large grin on his face.)

2.  "Is there anything you won't eat?"

Our replies:  Yep and Nope!

Here's some of what we had...the photo quality is stinky, I know, I only had my cell phone.

This is fois grais two ways...and there are zero ways to describe it's awesome-ness.

This is lobster with forbidden rice and a curry sauce that would make you sell your best Brighton sandals in order to buy some more.

And this is sea scallop with pork belly and yes, those are slices of truffle you see. OMG. So good.

All of these wonderful things (and this isn't everything we ate, we felt a little foolish taking so many pictures..so kept it to a minimum) came with garnishes of the most wonderful vegetables: little tomatoes, baby eggplant and turnips, it was just beyond words it was so good.

Apparently (from what I heard) the waitstaff there were very impressed with our ability to eat everything from the numerous plates set in front of us.  We try to excel in everything, you know.

Soooo, go to Chicago. Take your kids and your wallet, see everything you have time to see..

 And don't forget your stretchy pants.

The importance of date night...

Last night hubby and I went out on a date. Finally. With 4 kiddos at home and everyone going in separate directions all the time, it's hard to find a spot on the schedule for "us".  We went out for some sushi, and then went to see a funny movie. It was so nice.  While we were sitting in the movie theater, waiting for the commercials to start (which stinks, by the way, what the heck??!!)...he looked at me and said "You are such a pretty girl."

Don't get me wrong...he is always very generous with the positives when it comes to me.  He never fails to tell me I look beautiful (even just before or *gasp* immediately after giving birth to a kid), but something about the way he said that was just so sweet and kind. I don't feel very "girly" lately I guess, kids and work tend to run me down...but hearing him say it like that made me feel 10 years younger, 10 pounds lighter, and reminded me of just how great a husband he is.

"Date night"...I highly recommend it.

Middle Boy and the car dilemma

Before I move on into insightful and witty discussions about the differences between big city Chicago living...and the somewhat hicksville (yet always classy) locale I live in...can I just say:

"OMG my 16 year-old is out driving himself all over the place!"

Middle Boy turned 16 in May, and couldn't wait to get his driver's license. He watched his older brother get his, and get a car...and couldn't wait for his turn.  Now, I was thinking it would be easier, watching the next child drive away...because, you know, I'd gotten through it once.

Wrong. I'm back to having stomach clenching worry and watching the clock (bleary-eyed) until 11, when he has to be home. 

The one thing that really bugs me the most about this is:  we have no money to buy Middle Boy a used car.  When Oldest Boy was 17, we handed him the keys to a Mustang (yes, capitalized)...and not just any Mustang, it has red and black leather inside, that new "retro" body style,  and looks pretty (sorry O.B., I said "pretty").  It wasn't new, just new to him, and he worked really hard in school and sports (not getting home each day until 7pm, only to start studying) , and we wanted to do this for him. And we could.

Being in the residential construction industry...I guess you can imagine what my bank account looks like these days. It's been a tough couple of years.  Middle Boy wants a jeep so badly, but Mom and Dad just can't swing it right now. (And we aren't talking "expensive, tricked out jeep"...the one he saw and would love to have is 14 years old.) We've made a deal with Middle Boy: since Dad works from home, how about if Dad and Middle Boy share the ride in the garage?  He accepted the deal-i-o...go figure.

So if you happen to see this:

driving down the street...please keep an eye on it...and let me know if he changes lanes without signaling.

Goin' to Mom-mom's house...

I recently took Little Boy and Baby Boy to see my mom "Mom-mom" in Chicago.  Usually I take all four boys (this annual trip was created when hubby was in the military, and gone for a couple weeks each summer). This year I only took the youngest two because the older two had stuff going on here...and being self-employed, hubby doesn't get much vacation time (which stinks, but that can wait for another post).

I adore Chicago...love it, love it, love it.  The kiddos also love to go there, but wow, is it a culture shock for them...in many ways.

For example, you can imagine the time it takes for little boys to learn to not stomp on the floor. We live in a house where the only things living below us are the fire ants that owned this property 20 years ago. When we go to Chicago, the kids have to learn not to jump down from 4 stairs up the staircase, or RUN to the bathroom at the last minute after drinking 83.5 ounces of  juice.  I feel badly for the family below us, if you are reading this:    "Sorry, family in the first floor of Mom-mom's two flat, they drank alot of juice."

I'll be posting some pictures from the trip in the next couple of days...including the pictures from the dinner we had that my brother (the chef) made.  Put down that ice cream scoop tonight because just looking at those pictures is going to put a couple of pounds on you...you've been warned.

Baby Boy and my failure to grasp proper English usage...

I know that I've been gone alot lately, I'm trying to get some "work-related" things done, and frankly, I'm getting my butt kicked in the process...but I'm still here, and had to come and jot down this little tidbit...just to completely validate my feelings of inadequacy and ignorance.

I was talking to Baby Boy yesterday (the 5 year-old).  He was setting up a bunch of matchbox cars on sofa pillows piled on the floor, trying to create a rugged terrain for them (or further destroy my pillows, one of the two).

As he's moving stuff around, making those little car sounds that can only come from individuals owning a "y" chromosome, he says "Oh man, all my cars just fell off."

Mom: "I'm sorry Baby Boy, are the pillows too wobbly to drive on?"

Baby Boy: "Don't you mean they're too unstable, Mom?"  *eye roll*

Bottom line:  If you are only 5 years old and thinking your mother is a complete ignoramus...it's only downhill for both of you from here on out.

Life lessons usually stink...

A bummer of a post...well, maybe not a bummer, maybe thought-provoking and insightful...yeah, right.

Do you know how people say that phrase "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" ??  How accurate is that, anyway?  I mean, does it literally come down to those two choices when handed something particularly painful in your life?  Am I a stronger person because of this one thing or another, or actually weaker and more afraid of things?

And about this "killing"....what if damage has previously been done that actually kills off a part of me.  Does that count in the equation too?  How do you know if it's dead?  Is it something that can be resurrected at some point?  How exactly would you do that?

I understand that everyone has stuff in their life that isn't on their top 10 "Things that would be so great to deal with right now" list.  I get it. And most people walk around with some part of themselves that's fragile, or damaged...and we just cope, right?

I know that in everything that occurs in my life there is a lesson I should be learning. I mean, I do really believe that...but sometimes I just have to ask "Why Lord, do I need to learn THIS, now?"

The coolest chick from my high school days...

I got to see an old friend of mine from high school yesterday.  Old as in "from before"...not old as in "decrepit". Just to be clear.  It had been many years since we'd last visited each other, 15 to be exact. She was my best friend in school, and the coolest chick around.

Sitting with her on my back porch, talking about what we used to do, people we went to school with, what's been happening since our graduation in 19*cough, cough*...was so much fun.

We laughed about her perfect hand with liquid eyeliner, and teenage knowledge of which brands you could wear for days at a time, remembered how we ate nothing but empty carbs and crap and still wore size 6's, spoke of her mother (who has passed away, and I'm so sorry), and my brother...who was a rugrat when we used to hang out, and developed a brain tumor at the age of 19 (and survived!). We basically covered 20-something years of separation in the couple of hours she was here, and I wished it could have been longer.

Next time it will definitely be a longer visit...and will include some sort of key lime pie-ice cream thingy, covered in chocolate...she swears it's amazing.

I love you, Deb. You are fab-u-lous.

Finally learning what a father should be...

Father's Day is a holiday I never really celebrated until I became a mother...go figure.  I was never close with the men in my life growing up...my birth father, or the man that became my father after he married my mom. I never really understood what a father was supposed to do or be.

I learned about fatherhood from the man that I married. He came from a large family, 7 siblings, not including "step-siblings" and was enamored with every niece and nephew that came into his life.  He loved the noise and chaos that came from every family get-together, and was always outside running with the little kids, instead of sitting inside with the "grown-ups".  I remember sitting on the couch with my sister-in-law and laughing every time hubby would run past the window with a slew of  kiddos chasing him through the yard.

We had our first baby when hubby turned 25, and then another three more within the next 10 years. Wow! That's alot of kids, right? But just two days ago he asked me... "Wouldn't it be nice to have just one more?"

This man has taught me what a dad really is. His sons love to hang out with him, go places with him, play video games and paintball with him.  Hubby has spoken with the boys often, using words like: "respect", "integrity", "responsibility", and "love". He kisses and hugs them, even as they get older...Oldest Boy sobbed when his dad hugged him at the graduation ceremony.  He has showed them what it means to love a wife, and has always been affectionate with me in front of them.

I am so grateful that my sons DO know what a father is supposed to do and be, and I am certain that they will grow into marvelous fathers as well...being taught by one of the best.

Fatigue and the quest for perfect parties!

I'm exhausted...I woke up exhausted...how is it 7am, and I'm already tired?!

Actually, I know the answer to that question, and if you guessed "Your pregnant?!" just go ahead and wash your mouth out with soap right now.  I'll wait...

I have been working on Middle Boy's 16th birthday party preparations for the last couple of days. Now that Oldest Boy's graduation is done, it's time to move on to the next "big thing" around here. You know, if you think about it, there are 6 of us in this house...even if you ONLY celebrate birthday's each year (and there is always more stuff going on than just birthdays), I'm still committed to doing something at least every other month.  It can be exhausting.

Milestone birthdays are huge for me...Hubby's 40th birthday included a cook-out/pool party with a dunk tank and a movie I made for him detailing our history together.  Oldest Boy's 16th party was luau themed, with surfboards and fishing nets and a cake in the shape of a beach house.  The same child had a costume party when he turned 18, with custom printed candy bars, and cobwebs hanging from every chandelier and picture frame.

When I say "party", I mean "party".

Middle Boy requested a casino theme for his party tomorrow night. We will have two separate tables running tomorrow, one huge poker table that my husband will run, and one blackjack table that I will run...with Oldest Boy filling in when potty breaks are required (or when I have to pay the pizza guy).

I have TONS of casino decor to hang in my house, everything red and black...balloons, streamers, etc.  I have automatic card shufflers for both tables, 1,000 poker chips (no lie!) and dealer costumes for the three adults to wear...I'll definitely post a picture.  Buying a full sheet cake with just the writing on it, and then decorating it with casino things I've purchased...it's going to be amazing.

In the meantime, I've been mopping floors, cleaning glass, washing blankets and pillows (many of these kids will sleep here tomorrow night), and stocking up on AA batteries for the Xbox 360 controllers. I have even pressure washed the pool deck and cleaned out the fridge...you never know who will dig in your fridge at 2am after you've gone to bed.

This party is going to be really great! I just hope I don't collapse in my fancy new dealer suit...

Trying to look at the positives...tired of the negatives.

I have a ton of stuff that I need to get done around here in the next couple of days...Middle Boy is having his 16th birthday party here on Wednesday night. It's "Casino Night", and we have a poker table and a blackjack table ready to go...along with 50 million decorations, including dealer costumes for Dad and I (and Oldest Boy) to wear. Should be fun, he's excited, and I'm excited for him...

Frustrated though that in spite of that, I'm feeling so down this morning. And I hate to post about things that are sad...I try to be encouraging and uplifting...but maybe I require the uplifting today, I don't know.

A close family member and I haven't spoken in almost two years...August will be two years. The last time I saw him was at my grandmother's funeral...he has ignored me since then.  I have called and written, and nothing. My kids have sent cards to him...still nothing. When I sent him an invitation to Oldest Boy's graduation, I put a note in there saying "Oldest Boy is really hoping that he will hear from you, you are greatly missed around here."

Did Oldest Boy hear from him? Nope.   Is my kid hurt by that? Yep.   Does that tick me off? You betcha.

We used to be really close, when Oldest Boy & Middle Boy were in elementary school, we used to see him often, and get cards, etc. from him. The kids adored him.

I am the queen of "Focus on those that love you."...."You have a million people who care about you."....."This is something wrong with (fill in name of hurtful person), it has nothing to do with you."   So why is this bothering me so freaking much?

I really do try to teach my sons that they can only control their own reactions, not the actions of others. I think it's a self-preservation technique really...I mean, you could go crazy wondering why someone doesn't love you, or care...but what good does that do?  I'm always telling them to be the best person they can, and let the hurtful stuff roll off them.... Why is it so hard to practice what I preach? 

I'm going to spend my day working on stuff for the party...focusing on this Middle Boy that I love so much...looking at the positives...hoping it helps.